i thought i was already immune after 2 years...
apparently not.

why do i feel so lost?
whenever you went back i would just cry for awhile & im fine
but why when i left hong kong without you...
my emotions seem uncontrollable...
i just keep on crying for no reason
crying while i eat such that i cant even swallow
i dont understand
i thought i could handle it
i guess im not as strong as i think eh?

i miss being able to feel ur presense everyday
hug & kiss u everyday
without any circumstances.
but now, i see u mostly through a computer screen...
i feel like dropping all my studies and living in hong kong with you
in your tiny house
i dont care about how humble we would live
as long as i can see and feel you everyday

damn, why do i have such i punishment?
why must life tear those i love away from me all the time...
i must have commited some great sin..
maybe im a jinx? i dont know

ARGH DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
people always complain of nagging parents
sometimes i feel like slapping them..
cause all i want is for them to stay with me...

i miss you mummy... T.T

my heart feels like exploding,

though a smile conceals my sorrows like makeup,
but when you look into my eyes,
you'll see hell breaking lose within me.



when people ask me if im okay
how could i say im not alright?
the person'll just stay in shock
of course i'll brush it off with "im alright"
cause i know you wouldn't console me
& i dont want to hope so much that you'll care about me
i'll just be left even more dejected



i guess i shocked the class yesterday
well, i shocked myself too
i used to hold it in,
tell my story with a smile to reassure the audience
but my bottled feelings just simply exploded
i really dont know why...



you asked if i was okay
hell, i was embarrassed to cry infront of you
man, all i wanted to say was that i aint okay
and hoped that you would pull me into ur embrace
but i know that'll never happen
all i could do was nod...



damn, why did i cry infront of the whole class.
i thought i could control my feelings well...
my voice just started cracking up and tears clouded my eyes
i managed to control my feelings in the 5 years of living with only my mum
but then another problem came up and my only source of comfort left me,
and i handled it for almost 2 years...
WHY!
gah i feel so pathetic
people dont dare to talk to me now
as if i'll burst into tears at the spot
sigh...



tell me that ur concern was sincere,
tell me that you wanna console me
tell me that you want to take me in your arms,
& kiss thsoe tears away...
damn, i should stop dreaming.



well, now the whole class know about my life...
why im so introverted
why i always keep things to myself.
cause im afraid of getting hurt,
i built a shell around myself
keep my heart safe in the enclosed space
but although how hard it was to build it
it was so easy to break..



gah,
i just really wanna have a good long cry
in sombody's arms
someone who would console me and tell me its alright
someone who would make my life worthwhile...



i hope desperately that the words you say were meant for me
i wished the person who stole ur heart was me.
i wanted you to say you love me...

im tired.
im tired of waiting for something that'll never happen
i think too highly of myself.

if i said i love you,

would you love me back?

i feel like im made from china
everytime i look at the mirror,
the person i see aint me
its just a smiling mask.

i used to speak my mind, laugh happily;
but now, even when im angry,
i just keep silent.
i just cant be bothered anymore
and i dont know why.

--------------------------------------

you're just so selfish you know ?
just for your own advantage, you cost others' disadvantage
do you have any morality at all?
you act like you didnt mean it when obviously you did
u complain of others being very hard to get along with
did u know you're worse?
i cant stand ur attitude that you think you're so good
& everybody has to sacrifice for you.
well, fuck you
i hope it eats at your conscience all your life.
you fucking spoilt my day

-------------------------------------------------------

quit playing with me.
seriously
everything you do
it just makes me blush like mad
maybe thats your motive
to embarass me
i kept thinking of what you did the whole day.
and i wondered foolishly maybe you liked me
obviously its impossible.
there are so many eligible girls out there,
but of all me?
its kinda hard to believe.

your words make me wonder if they're for me.
then i scold myself for being so stupid
what am i hoping for anyway?

last year you complimented me about my lens
no i didnt forget
i cant anyway

today you complimented that i had nice hair
i looked at you weirdly to hide my embarrassment
and turned back with colour rising in my cheeks
i wish i could read your mind.

---------------------------------------------------

im sick of waking up everyday
& plastering that fake smile on my face
i feel so fake
its like i cant find anything genuine about myself anymore.

Girl: Why are you so smart? can you be my tutor?
Boy: Why are you so beautiful, can you be my girlfriend?

maybe you're the one who'll find my smile back.
perhaps im just wishing for the impossible.

my legs hurt like hellllll.
dammit.
somehow,
i feel my brain's going to burst
i cant hold it in no longer
i need someone i can pour out my sorrows to
but no~ i'm judged as complaining.
yeah whatever

you get my hopes up,
then you hurled it from the hundreth storey
i cant help but realise her lookin at you
& i cant help but abhore her
i dont wanna hate people
but then,
i love you.

maybe i just too undesireable
i should have faced up to reality
and quit dreaming.
wake up charlene,
nobody likes you idiot.

everything i do is deemed wrong ,
cause i never did anything right,
so it seems.

u complained that i did not hug/kiss you anymore.
did u know,
i feel warmth when i hug my friends,
but i feel cold when i hug you.
the person i loved is not you.
me beloved mother was stolen by you.
you're no longer the person i once loved.

"if lies hurt, i would rather tell the truth.
if truth hurts, i rather keep silent."
u always maligned me
saying i did this/that
when obviously i did not do.
i chose to keep quiet
cause i know whatever i rebut will not go into your fucking brain.
all thats inside is money, and your son.
no, theres no me.
how many times i've tried to tell you
im really sick and tired of your nonsense.
no, ur retarded brain dont unds.

you blew my limit.

you accused me of being disrecpectful.
no, u didnt rmb i hated pepper lunch's smell.
you forgot everything that i liked & hated
everything.
so waht, am i supposed to puke on amk hub's floor there and then?
was i wrong to walk quickly away?
apparently it was to you.
yea, u saw me and accused me for being disrespectful.
whatthefuck.
i wanted to slap you.
smack you to your senses.
YOU'RE MY FUCKING MOTHER.
yet you dont even remember anything about your own daughter.
i shouted back
"I NEARLY VOMITTED THERE JUST NOW!"
ur fuggin eyes went big and you raised your fist.
what ? slap me?
oh, perhaps you should have
maybe i'll faint
then you would grant me my wish of undisturbed rest.
slap then, you'll only embarass yourself.
by showing tht you have no self control.

whenever you come back,
all i get is scoldings,blames.
did i land our family like that?
oh, maybe you GAVE BIRTH TO A JINX THEN.

i really wondered why i look foward to come back.
now i know.
i hoped that my real mother would come back.
cause i missed and loved her.
NOT YOU BITCH.

oh, u think studies in the past is the same as present
oh im so "free"
so i should take up some stuff
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY
u make me go aerobics/dance etc.
wow, im so free yeah.
everytime i said i alr no time
DONT YOU GET IT.
OR DOES YOUR FUCKING BRAIN NOT UNDS SIMPLE ENGLISH?

you know what
now i wish you never came back
my brains fried alr
u happy now.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SICKENING ATTITUDE.
FUCK OFF.

yeah, now you complain about me not doing homework.
GIVE MY FRIED BRAIN A REST FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I JUST HAD 3 HOURS OF INTENSE TUITION
FUCK YOU.
WHY DONT U GO LEARN ABOUT TRIGO HUH.
YOU DUN EVEN FKING KNW WHT SIN/COS/TAN IS
since you're so PRO
do it for me lah.
fuck.
i really wanna slap you.

you complain about your work,
then can i complain about school?
NO.

i pretend to be a happy girl
cause i dun want to worry my friends.
i dont whine to people about my problems,
while i let others whine to me.
nobody unds whats going on.
i really wanna give up.
i wanna get out of this hell hole.
someone save me.
oh, there's no one.

sometimes, i really wonder.

asking me such questions,
were you hinting to me?
or was it just my imagination?
sighs , i miss you .

maybe i should stop being me.

just when i thought u were really gone ,
just when i thought it was really my fault ;
you turned up .

now what ,
you saw me , love blossomed again?
you know, that sounds so cheap?
all i wanted was a steady relationship,
not one that lasted long & the guy simply dissapeared.
simply vanished .
blocked me on msn , ignored my smses ,
but kept me on facebook,
to check out how i am.

yeah, you come online,
& expect me to run into your arms again ?
so what ,
you break my heart when u dissapeared
and now you're back to break it further
you take it as a hobby huh
sorry, but i dont
hurt is not something i like/adore
i hate it.
i LOATHE it.
i ABHORE it.
get it?

all i want from you is an explanation
but i guess it'll be fake reasons
like through those 8 mth 14 days
all those lies you fed me with.

im sick and tired of all these games
quit playing with my heart.

When a girl is quiet, Millions of things are running in her mind.
When a girl is not arguing, She's thinking deeply in her thoughts.
When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions, She's wondering how long you'd be around.
When a girl 'I'm fine' after a few seconds, She's definitely not fine at all.
When a girl stares at you, She's wondering why you are lying.
When a girl lays on your chest, She's wishing for you to be hers forever.
When a girl calls you everyday, She's seeking for you attention, and missing you.
When a girl texts you everyday, She's hoping you'd reply her at least once.

why cant any of you understand what i really need?

i need someone to depend on .

"your hand was mine to hold ;
your lips were mine to kiss ;
your heart was mine to own ;
your face was mine to stare ;
your cheek was mine to touch ;
& your body was mine to hug .
but now you're gone ,
and your heart loves someone else )': "

sighs .
i scolded love for hurting me before ,
and now it's giving me attitude ,
& don't wanna come my way .
)':

i miss you having love .

baby come back to me ...
you're one in a million .

exams ending soon..
flunking almost every paper..
sigh,
this blog's dead
like my brain & heart.

u guys made my heart feel so many feelings
till its messed up now..
who do i like... ?
sighhh
)':

bye.

CLICK MY NUFFNANG.
PUH-LEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
:D
I NEED MONEHHHHHHHHHH
rofl :x
thats all
BYEBYE!
:D

im so stupid.
i keep thinking the impossible..
yeah, im too ugly and have sucky personality to be loved.
but i cant help but assume..
i wish i can stop loving.

i gave my 100% in love ,
so i get back 100% of hurt .
can i stop loving people that hard..?

you say you're suffering in hk.
but what you don't know is that i cry myself to sleep everyday.
dont think you are so 伟大.
u dont even know how i feel.
fine.
i dont want anything anymore.
you dont know
home dont even feel like home anymore.
its almost a living hell.
why else would i try to not go home so early?
you think i got so much $ to spend
go out everyday
have fun?

do you think i study cause i like it?
do you think i scrimp and save for myself?
no,
you dont know all these.
i study for YOU.
so that i can get a good job and u can come back to SG and have a better life.
i scrimp and save,
not to use on myself,
but to give it to you when you do not have enough money.
but you always think of it as nothing
im just that childish ignorant selfish and bad tempered girl to you.

i would not have shouted that u treat my cousin better than you treat your own daughter,
if you didnt push me to my limits.
i've had enough.
sometimes i really wish to sleep
forget all these troubles.
i had never had a proper sleep for years
do you know that?
NO.
sometimes i even wish i wasent alive.
sec 3 stress is piling up
i chose triple sci not cause i want to learn
but it was for you.
you think i wanted to torture myself?
maybe yeah,
it keeps my mind off all these.
so i would not think wildly and abuse myself again.
i am not that little miss goody two shoes.
i may be the worst kid you ever knew.
but thats casue i've changed
what you did to me change me
im nolonger the charlene you knew
you loved,
you whatever.

in your eyes,
there's only clarence
you said i was so much more demanding than him.
yeah
whatever
he's the good kid.
cause he's the smart ass
im the dumb idiot.
whatever
i dont want to care so much
but all you guys do is keep pushing responsibilities to me.
just over a phone,
u say im uncaring
i dont care about our financial status.
please lah hor,
you salary aint low,
i dont believe you have so many things to pay
i ask you why we keep have a lack in money
you tell me to shut up and dont care
but you keep telling me got nomoney
then what you want me to do.

i feel like erasing my memory.
become that happy happy kiddo
in K 2
now you know,
how long i've kept all these feelings from you.
i call u biased,
u call me ignorant and selfish.
whatever

what am i working so hard for.
its for YOU.
im stressing out myself for you
going insane over you.
sometimes i wish i really fainted
so i can have some minutes or hours of peace.

all i want,
is that little bit of love from you
encouragment from you.
but when u come back to Sg
you just bombard me with all the responsibilities
blame me for everything i've both done and not done.
i really dont know why im still hanging on.

my eyes are tired from tearing everyday.
my heart had enough of breaking and sores.
my shoulders are tired of the responsibilities they had to carry
my soul,
HAD ENOUGH.

i'm really tired,
bye.

abandonment.
i cant believe this is how you guys treat me.
as my "friends"
perhaps to you guys, im unfeeling.
do you guys know how long i searched for you all,
frantically searching around,
asking people for your whereabouts.
all the while i felt like crying,
cause the feeling of abandonment was killing me.
maybe you guys dont know how important you guys are to me,
perhaps you guys think i dont care about you all,
that im fine on my own.

then let me tell all of you once and for all.

I.
FEAR.
BEING.
ALONE.

call me childish or immature,
whatever.
i cant believe you call yourselves my best friends.
i nearly cried when i found you guys,
& you guys dont know that.

this isn't the first time,
you guys abandoned me.

Charlene(:
` 8253 69 4263 ;
263 63837 538 63 46 ♥
9 june 95
14 currently
single, attached.
gwps pri 1a,2-3-4-5-6b
evergreen sec 1 itg,2 cmt3 respect(:
emotional, easily angered.
dont think you know me,
cause you dont.
& love me for who I am,
not who i am not.
same thing goes for hatred.
tag if you view my blog,
thankyous. :D
If you hate me or my blog
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save the earth! :D
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Turning Away

You said you cared
You wanna be there
But you're messing with my heart
When everybody comes around
We're suddenly apart

So tell me where it’s going
Cuz I’m about to walk away
I would turn around if you asked me to stay

You just dont understand
I wanna hold your hand
Why are you turning away
When did it get this hard
I didn't pick this card
Baby I'm walking away

I dont know why
I stand by you
The way I do
When you don’t care about me
It’s just not right, what you put me through
I can’t believe I ever fell for you

When we're out, we're out together
But today you didn’t call
Last night really happened, boy
And again you made me fall

And how can you just do this?
It’s like I’m not even there
How hard could it be?
Just pretend like you care

You just don’t understand
I wanna hold your hand
Why are you turning away
When did it get this hard
I didn't pick this card
Baby, I’m walking away

I don’t know why
I stand by you
The way I do
When you don’t care about me
It’s just not right, what you put me through
I can’t believe I ever fell for you

When I look into your eyes
I get this feeling
And I know it could be so right
Just want to be what's in your heart
I don’t care as long as I’m with you

I don’t know why
I stand by you
The way I do
When you don’t care about me
It’s just not right, what you put me through
I can’t believe I ever fell for you

I don’t know why
I stand by you
The way I do
When you don’t care about me
It’s just not right, what you put me through
I can’t believe I ever fell for you

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Tag me if i didnt link you :D

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